Archivist note: This article is from an older recovered archive and might be obsolete or in need of updating.
Most recent revision is shown below, by Lopxie.
”The Weekend, and Good Ol’ Underpants… er, Underby”
”November 5, 188x”
Well, weren’t that a fine weekend? Starts out snowin’, wif a snap in the air that’d put fresh pole beans t’ shame. Me toesies! Lucky I ‘ad those clock’opper, I mean clod’opper boots from me Tenk costume, so I just kept ’em fer winter.
Lots o’ folk liked me Tenk costume. Some dinna quite get it, some got it ‘fore I even told ’em, so all in all a bit o’ alright. ‘Cept when Tenk saw it… ‘e wasna pleased. Confused more like.
So then I gets in some trick-or-treatin’ while it’s still light. Meanwhile Mara’s buyin’ a new plot an’ movin’ the soup kitchen. Go figger! I jus’ got used to where it was! ‘Salright, I prefer Clock’aven anyways. It’s got ‘idin’ places.
So we’re at the new soup kitchen, right, when this bloke comes in, an’ it’s ol’ skullface himself, Gloomy Gus or summat! Wif a fresh bag o’ weepin’. ‘E says ‘e’s turned a new leaf, no more tricks. So stupid me, I walk up an’ say, “cor, all right mister skullface, gimme a treat!” So wot’s ‘e do? Sacks me in ‘is weepy sack. The blighter!
‘E carts me off to turns out the Palisades park. Goes off ta get me food, which I thought right neighborly considerin’ ‘e just nabbed me. Aroundabout an hour later, the kids, Mara, an’ a few other grownies find me and free me, so no ‘arm done all around. They plan a trap fer skullface, but I’ve ‘ad enough at that point. Off ta bed!
Next day’s Sunday. It’s been first snow, it’s Sunday like the seance lady said Underby’d return, so I’m wary already, right?
But I go out anyway. I also nicked meself a new jacket all o’ fine leather, oiled so’s it’s rainproof as well! I’m in right good shape I fink.
Then, wot ‘appens but there’s this great fire on the wa’erfront! Me an’ me mate Skyler check it out, I b’lieve ‘e made a sketch of it. It was like that when we got there, honest!
Turns out it was fer a party an’ it’s a bit tough to burn brick anyways. City lives another day. Speakin’ o’ which…
I ‘ad it in mind… stupid me, I know… Underby’s comin’ back all cross at us all an’ wantin’ revenge on Babbage. That eats into Doc O’s territory like! So I went to Doc O an’ laid it out. ‘E weren’t too impressed, right, but ‘e gives me this backpack fing wot settles reality where it oughta be instead o’ where magic makes it be. So, I got that fer later.
Later on, there’s this barrel race where ye flip-flop a burnin’ barrel ’round the streets o’ Babbage tryin’ not ta burn yeself or Babbage, an’ the first one to the finish wins. So stupid me, I figger I know nothin’ about this, but the worst wot can ‘appen is I finish last, right? An’ I done plenty o’ that in me time.
Well, we get ta rollin’, and I get stuck right off. I figger that’s it fer little mousie, aye? But along the way, everyone gets stuck as well, so I catches me up. Missus Kaylee wif the arm thing’s in the lead but takin’ turns slow, so I turn on the steam an’ catch up to ‘er along Abney. We’s neck an’ neck most o’ the way down the portside, until that magic sidewalk tries ta trip me up an’ dunk me in the sewer like it likes ta do, givin’ Kaylee a boost.
I recovers an’ almost catch up, we finish wif her about a barrel length ahead. So congrats to ‘er, ’twas a right smashing time.
But then… Underpants shows up. I ran over soon as I ‘eard a commotion, but turns out Tenk was gettin’ on a train fer ‘oliday, when the seance lady beat ‘im like a dirty rug, gone off all rabid like! Then foom! Underby. Comin’ in all slick on the ghost train like the cat wot et the golden canary an’ is gonna poop ‘imself a month’s rent in coin.
I run in wif me anti-magic backpack a-goin’, hopin’ to un-reality-ize ol’ Underpants. Turns out ‘e’s flown off already an’ all it does is give the nicer folk ‘eadaches.
But it also kills Kane! I dinna know iffen it killed ‘im, but it made ‘im stop bein’ able to move or talk, which is all done by magic! Crikey, I done a awful thing…
That Doc O’s gonna ‘ear it from me, one o’ these days.
Anyway, Lo’s all right fer now, Kane’s not all right at all, ‘e’s bein’ helped by the foreign science men. Me uncle’s still blinded. Not a great weekend all in all.
So, jus’ tonight, I spoke to Underby alone. ‘E said ‘e acted like ‘e did before ’cause missus Wickentower ‘ad a bad spell on ‘im, made ‘im be a right bastard. All ‘e wants now is to do fortune tellin’ an’ be left alone.
Sounds all right by me.
Iffen it’s really true.
More later. Ta ra,