Archivist note: This article is from an older recovered archive and might be obsolete or in need of updating.
Most recent revision is shown below, by Galactic Baroque.
((Posted by Sky Netizen on July 22, 2010))
Location: New Champagne Rooms, Babbage Square, New Babbage
Synopsis: On 22 July a woman by the name of Miss Elvira Foehammer entered the New Champagne Rooms, upended the décor and eventually boarded up the doors to bar entry for all. She claims she represents the New Babbage Temperance League. Damage is notable, town morale is affected.
Though a teetotaler, I fully support the drinking society of town. In fact, it’s more appealing by the day.
While walking near Port on my nightly patrol I heard the raised voice of the Clockwinder as well of the screech of a rather upset woman. After following the voices, I saw at the entrance of the New Champagne Rooms that loud, extremely unsightly woman spouting threats as she threw about decorations and proceeded to board up the doors. A small group had gathered consisting of Mr. Archie Chelmsford and Mr. Toshiro Tigerauge.
Shortly after my arrival, the crazed lady left as the Clockwinder and others halted to process what had just occurred. They said she acted on the authority of the New Babbage Temperance League, though it was certainly the first they had heard of the organization. New Babbage enjoys its liquor, thus making it difficult to imagine such a League existing. It was then that Lead Investigator Jed Dagger arrived to the scene and quickly thereafter, the still angered woman returned.
Her nonsensical language included lines of, “These people are GONE. I let them know that they are NOT welcome here. They will not be back.” The Clockwinder sputtered in response as Jed questioned, “Who are you to say that, you malicious harridan?” Proudly the ghoul of a woman announced, “I am Elvira Foehammer. I drove the Dagon from Falun, I rode the Church of Discord from Widdleshinks.”
After further heated argument, Mr. Chelmsford produced a firearm and attempted to subdue the woman by force. It was a futile attempt. As Miss Foehammer continued to insist that New Babbage was a vile town, we, her opponents, hurled
extremely accurate insults at her. After some loud deliberation on our lack of ability to arrest her on the charges of vandalism, she stormed away free.
So is there truly a New Babbage Temperance League? Where did this Miss Elvira Foehammer come from? If we cannot arrest her how shall we stop her? And perhaps most importantly, what about the liquor?
and annoyance is ongoing.
Miss S. Netizen, Investigator
Terranova Investigative Services
Aether Salon, 2nd Floor
#24 Academy Downs
Babbage Palisades, New Babbage
==Comments (Page 1)==
*Comment by Bookworm Hienrichs on July 22, 2010 at 1:48pm
Hmmm…Has anyone checked the Gangplank lately?
*Comment by Obediah Balfour on July 22, 2010 at 1:50pm
Obediah reads the article with great interest. Seems like Sky Netizen has unwittingly provided him with her address. He smiles to himself in anticipation.
*Comment by Victor on July 22, 2010 at 1:57pm
gets out his shotgun and sits at the bar in Brunel Hall
“Lets see ’em try and wreck my place! yeah!”
dozes off on his chair an hour later leaving the front door still open…
*Comment by Sheryl Skytower on July 22, 2010 at 2:04pm
begins hiding bottles of liquor in coal piles
pauses, then begins to hide bottles of high-grade engine oil
Just in case…
*Comment by MichaelD Mannonen on July 22, 2010 at 2:16pm
gets out his Tesla Rifle and sits at the bar in O’Mainin’s Pub
Sky, was she one of these women?
((Picture unfortunately missing))
*Comment by Tepic Harlequin on July 22, 2010 at 2:16pm
oh! is New Babbage gonna go Prohibition? could be a chance ter get on the bottom rung of the Speakeasy ladder… hmmmm…. wonder if vole milk ferments…?
*Comment by Elleon Bergamasco on July 22, 2010 at 2:21pm
calculates the number of men who will START drinking after seeing the image from Mr Mannonen as she puts a cheery daisy in the end of Victors shotgun while he naps…
*Comment by Kaylee Frye on July 22, 2010 at 2:23pm
I don’t think anyone needs to worry about the Gangplank, Book. I’m in charge while Star’s away. I doubt the vandals would much like to take a punch from someone with a metal arm.
*Comment by Stargirl Macbain on July 22, 2010 at 2:35pm
grins at Kaylee that’s m’girl. Excessive force is authorized.
*Comment by Sky Netizen on July 22, 2010 at 2:38pm
Actually, Michael, she did look very much like the lady kneeling on the left….
==Comments (Page 2)==
*Comment by Mr Underby on July 22, 2010 at 2:38pm
I will get Boris to guard the Bucket when it’s closed between five and ten… he sleeps too much as it is.
*Comment by Scottie Melnik on July 22, 2010 at 2:45pm
The citizens of Babbage have a tendency to get in enough trouble as it is. Do we really need the scientists, urchins, and troublemakers thinking clearly all the time?
*Comment by Ahnyanka Delphin on July 22, 2010 at 2:48pm
The harridan!! How dare she come and damage what is NOT hers! Well… we’ll see about that. She didn’t do THAT much damage. With a little elbow grease, the club will be right as rain again!
*Comment by Ceejay Writer on July 22, 2010 at 2:52pm
Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Miss Foehammer should be ashamed of herself. But at least the CocoaJava serves coffee as it’s only admitted beverage, so I expect her to behave like the lady she delusions herself to thing she is should she come near my establishment. Lo? You have permission to chase her off with a broom if need be.
*Comment by Mr. Tenk on July 22, 2010 at 3:18pm
points to the woman kneeling at the left
*Comment by Skyler ‘Artful Dodger’ Gant on July 22, 2010 at 3:41pm
Cor, Ain’t no crazy ol’ woman gonna do anything to any Pub, so long as I’m around. I like me rum. I’ll chase them off with me stink if they dare try! **Sits down in front of The Gangplank with a bottle of Rum, as if guarding it.**
*Comment by Mr. Tenk on July 22, 2010 at 3:48pm
She kinda looks like that social worker that was looking after you….
*Comment by Zaida Marie Thibideaux Gearbox on July 22, 2010 at 3:54pm
Who would want to touch de lips of any of dem women? Dey all look laike a bunch of ol’ prune faces dat been suckin’ on lemons. Ramoo use ta say, “Zaida, never trust a teatotaller. Dey can’t be trusted. Besides dat, dey not any fun.”
whispers Good thinkin’ Tepic. outloud Her better stay away from mah place because it for kids only, ah only sellin’ mah Zaidapop and Moonshinepop but you hafta know to ask for it. No grow’d ups allowed in de building except through the side door. Ah’ll set Kitty on her if’n her come ’round my place! Climbs up to her private room to check the still
*Comment by Grendel Footman on July 22, 2010 at 4:31pm
seems like a charming woman…charming enough to feed her to an air kraken.
==Comments (Page 3)==
*Comment by Skyler ‘Artful Dodger’ Gant on July 22, 2010 at 5:29pm
Thought that namd sounded familiar, Mr. Tenk. I ain’t lettin’ that crazy ol’ bird anywhere near me or any pub. I gots me stash o’ wepons hidden throughout New Babbage, I do. **Rushes off to the Graveyard near Footmans to retrieve his Dagger buried close to that Gant fellows grave.**
*Comment by Tesla Tripsa on July 22, 2010 at 5:40pm
I’m not entirely sure that IS a woman, kneeling on the left.
*Comment by Sheryl Skytower on July 22, 2010 at 5:59pm
wonders if her spare belly can be made into a still
if prices go up, well, you know…
*Comment by Blackberry Harvey on July 22, 2010 at 8:35pm
Goodness! I’m glad to be leaving the surface world. I hope they don’t swim…
*Comment by Kimika Ying on July 22, 2010 at 9:11pm
What hateful busybody! As a counter protest I’m setting out some cases of Zombie Pale Ale in Full View of the Public. So there! I’m also sending a telegram to my comrades in Armada warning them to guard the rum.
*Comment by LoPixie Artful on July 22, 2010 at 9:32pm
ugh!… don’t worry, miss ceejay… i shan’t let her pass!… *nods and stands by the door of the cocoajava, broom at the ready*
*Comment by MichaelD Mannonen on July 22, 2010 at 11:13pm
I am supporting anti-temperance activity at O’Mainin’s Pub; who’s with me?!
*Comment by Archie Chelmsford on July 23, 2010 at 2:07am
Many thanks to Miss Netizen for her most excellent and accurate account of the events.
The hideous visage of the Spinster as surely as no one would ever marry such a creature Miss Elvira Foehammer is matched only by her irrational actions and nonsensical language.
While in no way wishing to alarm my neighbor Miss Grace Toussaint, I did however notice Miss Foehammer in her ramblings said “I drove the Dagon from Falun”.
This set me to thinking on other recent happenings in New Babbage. Has anyone else noticed the House on the Hill with it’s apparent Dagon connection appears and, as if following on it’s heals, then does Miss Foehammer.
I see a long night with a bottle, or two, of very good claret and deep thought on this matter is required, as surely there is mystery, and I would not be at all surprised to learn madness, afoot.
*Comment by Gabriell Anatra on July 23, 2010 at 4:07am
I was thinking along similar lines. I’ve not actually had the misfortune of meeting Ms Foehammer, but if what I’ve heard about her appearance is true then it may be that there is more than a passing resemblance to certain Innsmouth folk as well.
*Comment by Archie Chelmsford on July 23, 2010 at 6:25am
Mr Mannonen; as a friend, neighbour and fellow citizen of New Babbage I fully support your proposal for the formation of a New Babbage Anti-Temperance League, with possibly optional Chasing the Dragon.
May I suggest we call on all those who may wish to express an in interest in information on or membership of the New Babbage Anti-Temperance League, with possibly optional Chasing the Dragon, to attend a public (other that the Hated Harridan a.k.a. Miss Elvira Foehammer is specifically excluded) meeting, at a date and venue, Mr Mannonen and other long term citizens consider both expeditious and convenient. Drinks will be served and provided free by myself before, during and after the meeting.
People of New Babbage; we may be poised on the brink of a Community Crisis. Consider the upheaval and disruption if the Hated Harridan a.k.a. Miss Elvira Foehammer, were to gatecrash the upcoming 2nd Annual Clockwork Ball & Grandfather Clock Build?
This thing, as the Hated Harridan a.k.a. Miss Elvira Foehammer is certainly no Lady, has already demonstrated such bizarre behavior, anything, including her potential to attempt to disrupt the 2nd Annual Clockwork Ball & Grandfather Clock Build, is certainly possible, as her attempts to make New Babbage an alcohol free area clearly demonstrate she has no regard for our ancient heritage, culture and traditions.
Fellow citizens, my friends, I urge you to assist Mr Mannonen, myself and others in ridding New Babbage of the Hated Harridan.
I am not opposed to helping those less fortunate and the afflicted, and so I am more than happy to assist in arranging incarceration treatment rest for her at a very distant loony bin rest home for the stark raving mad deluded.
==Comments (Page 4)==
*Comment by Fono Heninga on July 23, 2010 at 6:34am
New Babbage Anti-Temperance League, with possibly optional Chasing the Dragon.
You’ll have to ask Sheryl about that one.
*Comment by Sheryl Skytower on July 23, 2010 at 9:13am
No one drove me from Falun!
begins stockpiling potatoes and copper tubing
*Comment by Skyler ‘Artful Dodger’ Gant on July 23, 2010 at 9:22am
I’ll join the New Babbage Anti Temperance League, sir. I bloody HATE Ms. Elvira Foehammer. She’s bloomin’ loony, she is. **Holds his Dagger tightly.** Ain’t no crazy ol’ Gargoyle, Ms. Foehammer, gonna take me Rum or ban liquor! I say we toss her in the Vernion, Let the Mers deal with her. Or maybe Mayor Tenk could build that Urchin Catapult he spoke of long ago and use it on her instead. We can make it a public event, complete with food and drink! *Smiles Evilly while sipping his Rum.*
*Comment by Sheryl Skytower on July 23, 2010 at 10:08am
begins reading manual on fermentation
I wonder if cookies could/should be added…
*Comment by Eldin Wandsworth on July 25, 2010 at 2:22pm
excellent reporting Miss Netizen!!
It should be noted that Mrs. Foehammer did indeed return to the New Champagne Rooms later that week, threw bricks through the windows, followed by tar brands she lit from her lantern, and then the lantern itself. Happly, none of the girls were injured, as were moonlighting in other establishments until previous damages to the saloon could be repaired. Foehammer was quickly overtaken by a mob of citizens bent on murder. Father Pizzaro was also among the crowd. He argued for mercy and escorted her away to be held in the protective custody of the cloister.
The New Champagne Rooms did not survive the conflagration despite the best efforts of the Fire Brigade, and were never rebuilt.