To My Loyal Readers,
I would ask you now for your kind forgiveness and no small indulgence for my absence. Having gone to great lengths to interview the notorious Dr. Obolensky [sic HE ZAPPED ME! HE REALLY ZAPPED ME!], I required something of a brief respite to regain my constitution [sic Ever hear of COL Steve Austin?]. Thankfully, I am returned and in better shape than when we had last met [sic faster, stronger, punny..er?].
What you may not know, is that during my absence ownership of the Canal Street Snitch had passed hands from the former owner [sic newly deceased], Mr. Randolph Hurtz, to the lovely and recently widowed [sic COUGAR..rrrrowr], Ms. Bly Cochrane.
You might have heard of Ms. Cochrane before [sic Not likely.]?
Wife of the late J.P. Cochrane, iron magnate and owner of the Penny Gaff Publishing empire, Ms. Cochrane came from a humble [sic Questionable] beginning. She gained some prominence in society after being accepted into the prestigious [sic SCAN-DU-LOUS] Cavendish House Set, administered by the Count of Caerdydd [sic Try saying that three times fast…erm…hell, try saying that at all!], where she met Mr. Cochrane [sic Stole him out from under (almost literally)the first Ms. Cochrane]. Having need of something to take her mind from her late husband’s passing [sic She’s bored with lots of money to burn.], she has seized the reins at Penny Gaff Publishing, capitalized on Mr. Hurtz recent death, and taken prize of the Snitch [sic She loves a good gossip, don’t you?]. Ms. Cochrane has vowed to see a repair [sic She’s bloody well fired everybody!] and resurgence of our beloved Snitch. So do keep an eye out for new editions!
In the meanwhile, let us hope you find entertainment and enlightenment [sic Fun enough to make you buy more.] with some of Penny Gaff’s other fine publications. So, on your next meeting with the corner newsboy or when you next happen upon a local newsstand, buy a Penny Gaff publication [sic Seriously…buy something…she won’t let me leave if you don’t…]!
With Much to Snitch About,