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Personal Journal – Entry three.

((Everyone, please feel free to comment. I like knowing what you all think!))

Dear Tim,

My god… what have I done? In an effort to do the right thing to save the people I care for most, I’ve gone and married a man (or should I say horse) I know nothing about, besides a smattering of gossip. I was worried that he would marry me to help me save myself and then leave me to my own devices, but in speaking to him, it seems that he is willing to try and make something of this arrangement. As am I. I want to at least give this a try, being that I signed a contract, as did he. We’ve spoken about what each of us wants from this and as of right now, I’ll do what I can to trust him.  Sad as this may sound, I want to trust him. I want this to work. And if that makes me sad, then so be it.

I want to be a good wife because that is the right thing to do. You know that I refuse to just be some-one’s prize. (Not that I’m saying that I’m a real prize, but one never knows with some men.)I have to try. He’s told me that he intends to try to be a good husband, and I will allow him his chances, as I’m sure he’s ‘allowing’ me mine. And if it works out, then I see no reason why this can’t be beneficial to both of us. I will need to study my new husband’s actions and see if I cannot glean something from the way he acts around me and the way he acts around others. I do so hope that this arrangement goes well, Tim. You know he’ll never replace you in my heart, sweet love, but he is starting to grow on me. (Some would say like a fungus, but I digress.)

And when I’ve spoken to my friends, I got some worrying answers… in more than one way. One friend says that I did the prudent thing and that perhaps I can make this work to my advantage. The other friend inquired as to whether he and I have feelings for each other. To be honest, Tim, I don’t know what I truly feel at this precise moment. Though I can tell you that I am ultimately less appalled at my decision as I was at first, and as I should be , according to some people…

What concerns me is something that concerns every newly married woman at some points in their marriages. I don’t know my heart anymore, Tim. I can’t say what it will find agreeable and what it won’t. What it will decide to allow and what it will reject. I used to know exactly what I wanted and truly… Now that this has happened, I can say, without remorse that I can’t tell you where I stand as of yet in this marriage. And I simply don’t know much of anything at this precise moment. Tim, I have to think about this, but at the same time, I don’t want to think too much because then I will overdo it. And you know what happens when I overdo it…

Perhaps I’m already overdoing it and Christine is right. Perhaps time will tell… If all else fails, perhaps this can be a business transaction that is good for both of us.

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