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Personal Journal – Entry Seven : All These Feelings

Dearest Timothy,

     Oh, Tim… Do you remember what we would talk about when we’d walk by the Rivière de Sang, round about midnight? We would discuss this until we’d both be so happy we’d kiss and hold hands all the way back to my house? Well, it’s happened. My husband and I are having a child, Timothy. Oh I can’t wait. We can’t tell, as of yet, just what kind of baby it will be — Being that this child is not only 1/4 demon, but it is simply too early. As soon as we can get a-hold of Kristos, I will ask him to take a peek. I’m still transcribing his notes for him, and I seem to be getting better at deciphering his thoughts.

     Now that I am with child, I have lots of time to sit and ponder on things. Helio has hired Hono to watch over me while I am not in fighting condition but I have to say, in Mondrago, things are rather quiet at the moment. Erehwon visits me as much as she can, what with being the Magistrate of Mondrago. She chatters on about her week and I am so happy for her. She has many things to tell me and most of them are good. Even talking about the problems that arise make me happy. At least she has something to consume her time. She even told me that Arnold found someone to run the bar upstairs. Someone called Helene, I believe. From what Arnold tells me, she’s a cat girl. I wonder if he might like it better, now that he has someone of his own type to speak to. And from the slight noise from upstairs, I can tell that the bar is fairly popular. I’m glad that Arnold’s found a new way to make money around Mondrago. Not that it’s difficult, simply that there are a few less ways than at home. Almost all of them are legal, considering that Ereh is somewhat flexible with the rules of the place.

     It’s warm out here this time of year. But, I still practice dancing when I feel like being out of my chair. Arnold found me a lovely wooden rocking chair to keep me from being too tired. He’s taking very good care of me. Helio comes to visit me, but Mondrago makes him feel like he’s on edge. I don’t make him stay long, though he usually comes to me about an hour before I fall asleep, right after my bath. The lassitude takes me so early these days… Sometimes I feel like an old woman. Comme une grand-mère, if you will. I want to tell Father soon, but I simply don’t know how. He reacted well to hearing of my marriage, and he likes Helio fairly well. I simply don’t know if he’ll react poorly to hearing of my child, considering what ma petite trublion will become. 

     I love my child, and the poor dear hasn’t even been born yet. I fear it will never truly understand just how deep my love for it goes. I love my husband. I love Arnold. I love Erehwon, as the sister I was never able to have. I truly love my little family unit and I cannot wait to expand it. However, I am a bit worried. Helio has been explaining the issues that I may experience, what will never having birthed a partial demon child before. I listen intently and we discuss them, but some of them have me worried. Can I really do this, Tim? Can I be the mother this little dear needs? Will I even live through the birth? I am strong, this is true. However, am I strong enough? I worry about these things now, but too much worry leads to my little darling giving me brûlures d’estomac, so I stop as best I can. I simply need to rest more than normal after such things, and I have kept most of my worries well kept as of late. If Arnold finds this, I’ll hear it. But I’m not worried as of yet.

     Speaking of Arnold, I’ve been counseling him as of late. He’s told me things that would turn a gentle lady’s hair white, but I’ve taken it all in stride. The things he’s speaking of have already happened, they are le passé. I cannot worry on what has already happened, n’est-ce pas? I have to confess to you, some of these stories are troubling. The way he deals with things has not improved, Tim. In fact, his attitude may have gotten worse. I have given him several assignments to work on and so far he has accomplished a few of them. I may wait to give him others until he can finish the few I’ve doled out. I’m more worried about him now than in his stories. Tim, he’s surprised me. He’s actually working fairly hard to please me. That’s new and unexpected, but I am happy that he’s trying. That’s really all I can ask of him.

     Another thing that weighs on my mind, when I let it, is Canergak. He’s still around,  fâcheusement. I am worried of what will happen when he hears of my child. It’s bound to happen. I did manage to get leave from him not to be around the asylum. We were very vague as to why I needed to be away, but we managed. I fear that once ma petite trublion is born, he will be a problem for us… Perhaps I will discuss him with Helio and Arnold soon.

     I have to go now, Tim, but I love you. Remember that. I always will.

Your Mad-ness.

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