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Personal Journal – Entry Four.

((As always, feel free to comment. I enjoy knowing your thoughts!))

Dear Tim,

The Gangplank held a party last eve. I was uncertain as to whether I should attend at first, but I did end up going, if not just to hear Mr Mornington’s music. He plays a nice mix of things and I was just going to sit and listen at first… But soon I remembered a talk that Mr Underby and I had had earlier in that day and my first thought was, perhaps I should live a little. I am a bit uptight these days and since I have married Helio, I have begun to wonder what it would like to let my hair down, so to speak. You would not believe that this is me had you seen me, Tim. You wouldn’t.
I danced and danced. I drank, almost like a sailor. I had a wonderful time, even though my memory begins to spot somewhere around that last half hour of the party… All I can remember is something about lumberjacks and some fine young fellow that Hono introduced me to. And naturally, I can remember Helio taking me home… Tim, I don’t know whether to be ashamed of my behavior or not. Helio didn’t seem upset that I was drinking and dancing without him, in fact, he seemed amused. Almost happy. I did not ask him about that in my drunkenness, at least I don’t think I did. With my smattering of French and English running together, I may have. As I write this, I’m lying in bed, enjoying the comfort and warmth that was left my my husband’s imprint. He never sleeps. He has no need. On the other hand, I do. And I do not know whether I have done something wrong in letting go just the smallest bit.
Tim, I must say that though I love you still, I’m beginning to love Helio. And not just in the way that I am comfortable around him, I mean true feelings of love. And he says he holds the same. Perhaps I am forgetting the ways of a lady, or perhaps I am learning that there will just have to be things that I do not let Thaddeus see. I am sincerely thinking about falling headlong into this coupling, and simply taking it one day at a time. As it is, I have been holding back my feelings, just because of fear. And as a psychologist, I have been wrong. I have told numerous patients of mine that fear should not hold them back from the things that they need to do to live their lives, and here I have been doing just that. And I don’t mean the drinking or dancing… I mean love. I’ve been so afraid to love Helio on the grounds of fear, that it’s almost pathetic. I love Heliotrope Lionheart. And I want to officially marry him.
It feels liberating to write those words. And I’ve been rolling them around in my head as I lie here writing, and when I see him next, I will make sure that he knows that they are as true as the fact that I am a French lady, taught by a transplanted Englishman to be a lady in a society that would threaten to take all of my liberties and eat me alive. Perhaps I will stay in bed and wait for him to return to me. I want to tell him these things in person.

Now, onto Arnold. I need to fix things with him and spend more time in his company. That has become clear to me over the past few days. My mentioning Jung and Nietzche did no good when I spoke to him a few nights ago, and I now realize that I have been somewhat neglecting him… I have been so lost in my own thoughts that I have not given him enough room to be there with me and for me. Perhaps I will ask him to accompany me for an afternoon of walking and talking. We should do so. He is my best friend and I value him as such. Perhaps I will look into speaking to Christine or Erehwon today as well. I value them just as much as I value Arnold, and their opinion matters to me. as confidants go, they are the best that I have met so far. Perhaps Ms Ginsburg would like a chat as well…

In any case, Tim, I have to go. My head is beginning to feel as though it is made of wood again. I need to drink water and lie down again. I won’t be making this a regular occurrence. I am not like old George Laughlin, the town drunkard. (Only here it is the Emperor Crumb, I believe, that holds such a title.) In any case, I will close with these words:

I love my husband.
I love my best friends.
And a new day dawns upon us in Babbage, where the motto rings true. What could possibly go wrong?

                                                                                                                 Maddox.

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3 Comments

  1. Erehwon Yoshikawa Erehwon Yoshikawa August 20, 2011

    I think we should both look after each other when drinking. I am notoriously thin blooded when it comes to alcohol.

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