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Letters to Doctor S, Part II

Dear Thaddeus,

I must start by saying how much I’ve forgotten about home at this point. It’s saddening to me that it’s all slipping away, inch by inch. I had completely forgotten that you had your own homing pigeon for a messenger.
*She chuckles and continues to write, petting the bird* You tell me to confide in my friends. I have done so. Mrs Pearse has been more than kind to me in listening to my sobbing confessions. And yes, I know Arnold has his own problems. That is more than apparent. Though he seems to have some hidden past as I do, but that has never stopped me from trusting him. It never will. He has proven to be a very good judge of things since we moved here and he even has his own circle of friends. I am proud that he’s not keeping himself solely in my vicinity and that he has his own jobs and things to do. However, I find myself at a loss as to what to tell him of the past before we met. I don’t know what to disclose and what not to tell him… perhaps I should tell him everything, mainly for the fact that my life is in his hands and someone whom I would trust as much as I trust you, Thad, should know everything. He has a right. And until I find that I can trust some of my new friends for sure, I will not tell them anything more than I show to the general populace. I am sure that I can trust Mrs Pearse, but I do not wish to have the future ex-Mrs Underby to get her claws on any of this. (That harpy needs to stay as far away from me as possible. Though I do find her soon-to-be ex-husband a charming older gentleman, I don’t trust that his information tree doesn’t have leaks around the roots.)
I am very happy that Arnold has not decided to abandon me. He has every right to, and yet he stays. Did he perhaps make a promise to you that I did not know of? I am very glad to have him behind me and beside me, though. I don’t truly care if he did or not, I simply am curious to know why he would go to such great lengths to keep me out of trouble and put himself into such danger to do so. Even as he wants to keep himself from harming me, I simply think that he and I are, even with all of our tiffing lately, in a very good place as far as that is concerned.

*Pauses to pore over Thad’s letter again, eyebrows rising and falling as she re-reads.*

And I would like to know how it is that I am not to worry about you, Thad. You’re an older gentleman and you’re not adept at combat. We’ve seen that fencing no longer works against the younger hoodlums that come to challenge you because of your ties to my family. And as for your friends, please tell them that I say to make sure that you don’t get harmed. If you end up hurt, I will be very upset. And I will have to take drastic measures, if such friends fail you. Make very sure to remind them who has protected you over the years, and what should happen if they fail.
So he has come to bother you, then. And the fact that the dog has bothered to try and sniff me out just makes it all the more clear to me what my next course of action will be.
*Maddox pauses to snicker* And believe me when I say this Thad, if he comes to this place to look for me, he will be in grave danger as soon as he sets foot in Port. If he shows his face here , I *will* find out and there will be consequences. I am starting to make some affluent friends here and I will make sure that he won’t leave Port in anything but a pine box. I understand that he is more obsessed than his brother, but if he tests me he will most certainly find that Sinclaire blood runs deep and that I am not such an easy target as I was long ago. Perhaps if he would just stay home and die like the vermin he is, he’d be much much better off than what I will do to him. *She smiles rather evilly.* Or rather have done to him.

*She stops writing and shakes her head, thinking back to her days at home before everything fell apart and notices her hand is shaking out of unbridled anger. She takes a break in writing to get some refreshment before sitting back down to continue*

I know that I said that I would move on from my former life when we moved here, Thad, but I didn’t realize that the dynamic here would be much the same as at home. I thought this place would be slower paced and less cutthroat… and yet, I find myself hearing and seeing people saying and doing things that resemble the kind of things my family has been involved in since I was a toddler. And as much as I (and you, it seems) may think that I have grown past such things, I can tell you that I haven’t. It’s in my blood, Thaddeus. It’s what I was born into and if I don’t adopt it again, I will go down in flames here. I want to be the perfect student that you trained, but if I don’t regain at least some of what I was, I will die here and not very prettily. I would like to forget the past and what it contained, but at this point I have no choice but to get back into practice. Especially if I will have to be on my toes as I once failed to be. Though, as much as you think this is about my father, I hate to say, that’s not whom I wish to vindicate. I loved my father deeply, but even his death had not broken me as much as my love’s. I *will* kill that man one day, Thad. And he will know pain before he expires. I promise you that. I have to get that one piece of the puzzle taken care of and then my love can finally rest in peace…. and so can my hatred.

I will seek help. But as for with a professional, there is only one professional I would even wish to turn to. And perhaps I will. But it will be when I am ready. I need to catch up on some things first. (Understanding , as I do, the importance of time in such matters, I will say it can be relatively soon.) That will have to be all for now, Thaddeus. I will await your reply, no matter how long. I only hope that you can forgive your errant student her anger.



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