Dear Stupid Diary.
Today, having returned from the expedition and being curious as to how badly things have gone since i’ve been away i went off to see how the steamlands fare. No one was about much but i put that down to them all being off at work or something equally pointless. It was nice not to be bothered to tell you the truth as most folks conversations are always utterly dull and usually about clothes or something. I swear it takes me all my strength not to just kick them hard in the pants or STAB THEIR STUPID FACES when they go off on a big old rant about their new shoes or teacups or whatever.
ANYWAY! So i first went for a wander around Armada, home as it is, and its looking quite tip top i thought but then AND GET READY FOR THIS, some ARSE! had stolen my rig! GONE! SO now i’m looking for whoever this thief is and Violet pops up and i say WHERE IS MY RIG VIOLET and she says they LEFT IT BEHIND when they moved!!!
I had my best bombs in there and a whole barrle of rats and biscuits and i was looking right forward to them coz by now they’d have got all gooey coz rats and biscuits with a few months of storage in them means you can eat it with a spoon and anything ate with a spoon is good for you i think we all know that.
I even had my best spoon ready.
Now i am not one to hold a grudge so i went for only a short smashing-things spree and a good sulk and then thought right then i need a house but there was hardly one worth stealing so i thought i’d go look at those bloody fancypants pirates over in Antiquity but OH NO when i gots there the wind dropped and i had to use the canoe and IT TAKES AGES TO GET ANYWHERE in that and i was paddling and then one of those NEw brunswick tyes yells out and its yon salute-anything-that-moves Jaggernov lass and she says PIRATE! KILL HIM! which put the wind up me as i’m in a canoe and have a distinct lack of cannons only a pistol and that was damp. ANYWAY she was actually alright, though i noticed a distinct lack of rum being passed about, and i met her freinds but then i thought i better get a shift on so i set off again.
Went to a bunch of other places. very girly and Pretty and HELLS BELLS WHAT IS IT WITH USELESS TINY WHITE FENCES?! KEPPING THE GNOMES OUT ARE WE?! Nothing worth stealing, not if i didn’t want ribbons and a bow on it.
Went to somewhere i dint recognice. very foreign and odd and OH GOD NO i saw bloody old arseface ceejay and blah blah blah she blathered A LOT and said what do you think of my shop. It was full of the MOST GODAWEFUL TAT i have ever seen though i did like what she had done with the bendy trumpet thing but i said IT IS VERY NICE but was thinking YOU ARE A STUPID PLIZ FALL IN A HOLE. then i left which was the best thing to do i think.
THEN i went to New Babbage. OH DEAR i thought when i got there coz it was very SAME but they did have some big lizzard things in the greenhouse from norway i think. i might go to norway if they have big lizzards coz they make good ratters and someone said good PEOPLERS and that is very true. and i met some inneresting new folk who dont seem as innerested in shoes but everyone banged on about zombies like they were a bad things but as long as you have warning and a big stick with nails in it zombies are fun. dint see anyone good apart from Doctor O who was fun as always he is always inneresting. dint see much of babbage but it was good to go see it again and i mean to go and have a proper check on things and make sure it is not got to lethal levels of boredom just yet cos IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY i bet and then they will say i was right AS USUAL.
I went to armada again and went to the dance and got drunk too fast and past out and woke up NOW all covered in my spit. I dreamt of big lizzards eatin zombies and being sick every where and then eatin the sick which is the best kind of dream.