Dear Miss Hienrichs,
Salutations and Happy New Year.
I was reflecting the other day on the fact that it has been awhile since I was last on one of my illustrious, death-defying adventures. And then I realized I haven’t written Miss Hienrichs recently, as has been my habit prior to any embarkation of that sort.
While I am not planning on leaving town in the near future I thought I would write just the same with a neighbourly new year update.
First, I need to inform you that Miss Ginsburg and I were recently the victims of a home invasion. It was a most unsettling sight so I won’t bore you with the details about the naked jerk we found in our bed. Suffice to say he is now dressed, armed and dangerous.
Best keep an eye out for him. You can’t mistake him, he is about my height and build and will be attired just like me. If you see him feel free to shoot on sight. He is a real scoundrel and it is better to be safe than sorry I always say.
Now on to matters less dire. With all the snow this winter it has been hard to keep up with the shoveling. I was wondering if you wanted to go splits on paying some urchins to do this whole corner we share. It is a win, win, win situation. Neither you nor Miss Ginsburg break your backs shoveling; the urchins earn a quat or two; and I might find that little prickly brat that stole my shovel.
Finally, I’m sure you’ve noticed with the recent reconstruction to both our properties our houses are now in closer proximity. So I just want to say up front, that smell you may notice from time to time – don’t worry about it, it’s herbal.
Sincerely, your neighbour,
Sir Sir Emerson Lighthouse, PhD, MD, DDS, NBE (twice knighted, thrice retired)