Dear Mr. Arnold,
Thank you for your recent expressed interest in job competition #00001 for the position of Knight’s Squire (in the service of a knight of the highest distinction and unimpeachable honour). Unfortunately the position for which you have applied has been filled. I understand how this news must come as a great disappointment for you (given your obvious fascination with me and my business affairs). Therefore, in an effort to mitigate your despair I offer you the following opportunity by way of a consolation.
As I am sure you have heard, Squire Malus and I are preparing to embark on a most remarkable adventure… a quest if you will. In my absence I require the services of a majordomo to maintain my property and discourage squatters from taking up residence. I can think of no one better skilled at discouraging visitors from overstaying their welcome than you. In addition, your duties will include collecting mail and managing my accounts (use the books on the desk, not the ones in the drawer). Also, I would request that you power-up the Tesla cannon once per day to keep it primed. You may want to fire off a round or two every few days (to remind the theatre owner across the canal that it still functions). Miss MacBain may be stopping by to raid the ice-box. Try not to antagonize her, she is doing so with my permission. Please stay out of the basement of the house next to the clock, it is locked for a reason.
We can discuss compensation upon my return… but I won’t expect you to pay too much for the honour of service.
Yours respectfully, Sir Emerson Lighthouse, NBE
You get to fire a Tesla cannon! Every day! Yay!
Dear Mr. Lighthouse,
I’m assuming our little chat about the job on Sunday constituted my ‘interest’, and you had already told me that you had filled the position at that time before I had even mentioned it so there was no need to remind me. I just so happened to see Malus today, in truth I had already seen him at several of the dances I’ve attended, and wished him well on your ‘quest’ where he could seek his ‘fortunes’ by your side. This was our first meeting alone however, or speaking to one another for that matter, and he began by insulting me on sight, but I decided to humor him because I figured that being your squire on your upcoming quest will be enough punishment on it’s own. If it had been anyone else, who had a nicer disposition, I may have actually tried to warn him about what he might expect from you as a traveling companion given our previous encounters, and told him as I told you on Sunday that I don’t believe that even you know where you’re going.
As for the consolation offer however, I must say that I am actually interested. Due to the renovations at the asylum and other situations where I would rather not impose, I do so happen to need a place to stay. I’ll consider the payment you expect from me as my ‘rent’ instead of my ‘honor’, but we can discuss other ‘fees’ when you return from your trip.
Hoping you can at least return alive,
Arnold
PS. I’m still going to try to see you before you leave for that coffee.