Translated from the original Latin text
found at the tomb of Sir Steamalot.
Gatsby Szuster translator,
I hath journeyed for many years in
search of this “Holy Cog of Antioch” the cog used in the hoist of
St John the Evangelist’s fishing boat. It is said he who possess the
Holy Cog will have interchangeable parts for all thy contraptions. My
journey though is coming to an end as I fear my wounds received from
a certain monster will prove to be mortal. I regret that this thing
the alchemist called “Acid” burns so badly. If I knew it ate
threw metal… well I guess I’d have fought the monster differently.
So as I lay here in the home of a kind inn keeper; I write to
whomever finds and reads this tome, the story of my quest.
It began several years ago as my
fellow knights and I sat around the hexagonal table planning a new
table…. Now that we have 7 knights the whole hexagonal idea is not
working out… perhaps an oval one would have been better… But I
digress… O.K. Back to the Cog… A vision appeared to us of St
Vitus holding a golden Cog and he said unto us: “Brave Knights of
the Hexagonal soon to be Oval table I bid unto you to find this: the
Holy Cog of Antioch. He who possess the Holy Cog shall have the power
to build mighty machines with interchangeable parts…”
Astounded we asked the image of St
Vitus “Where do we find this thy Holy Cog?”
He said unto us “Look in the
Basement of a house with a…. Just kidding. Look in the Holy
Land… Geez where else would it be!?
Then after saying something about
wishing he was sent to smarter knights we set forth to the Holy Land.
Once arriving in Jerusalem we found an ancient order of Monks who
said they had hidden the Holy Cog someplace far from the city perhaps
in another country. They did not know where but said it was written
down some place in their library and would be happy to let us use it.
Unfortunately non of my fellow knights can read and I happened to be
in the Little Crusaders room during this conversation. So they did
the next best thing and burned the library down in anger. I know
writing this now in the 1290’s it seems like the wrong thing to do,
but remember the 1280’s where another time.
So after I explained why they should
have asked me to read books we decided it would be a better idea to
go on our own ways to find this Holy Cog of Antioch….
After leaving the company
of my fellow knights I hath set forth moving north through Byzantium
making my way through to Europa. Though on my tenth day of my journey
a heavy fog set upon me in a mysterious steppe. I seemed to be lost
in the fog for many days when I saw the outline of a castle. As I
approached a Sir Galahad and Sir Lancelot. Lancelot was dragging
Galahad from what he perceived as a great danger. Much to the
annoyance of Sir Galahad I must add. Curious as to what this danger
was I entered the castle…. A wonderful Lady named Zoot and her
ladies and waiting treated me to the best time I have ever had.
Apparently they hath not seen a man in ages and were indeed happy to
see one… Obviously this Sir Lancelot is a homosexual.
After aiding this deprived Lordless
women… Several times I might add… They advised me that the Holy
Cog was someplace in a city state called Cræft Gefére. To be
honest I had forgotten about the Cog and was looking for another such
manless castle… I guess this castle was a fluke… Oh well… I
finally found some Mediterranean fishing village and paid a fisherman
to bring me to this island with a Saxon name. I really should have
asked about how far away the island was because the fair to bring me
from the Mediterranean to the Scandinavian seas was very Large. I
came up short on the toll. I had not choice but to sell the fisherman
to some Vikings… He swore something called a “Vendetta” against
me… I assume that means good luck on your quest.
So now on this island that holds This
The Holy Cog of Antioch I came upon the monster that was my undoing.
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