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Preparing for Valentines Day

The aetheric speakers buzzed to life first with static, and then a voice began to speak throughout the secret underwater lair, “Attention everyone, or thing as the case may be, it’s time for my mostly informal Valentines Day announcements!  Well pre-announcements really.  First, I know that many of you have loved ones who are very disappointed that the life of a minion, ambassador, or prisoner doesn’t leave much time to spend with them.  Which is why on Valentines Day, I like to take the time to send teams out to kidnap your precious families and bring them here blindfolded so that you can spend some quality time with them and a therapist so they can deal with the trauma of being kidnapped by strange armed men.  Don’t feel the need to thank me, this is to show you how much I care.”

“Now we have some most excellent news about the clank we found on the-” The speaker went silent as another person in the room whispered to him.  The announcer continued with annoyance clear in his tone, “Turns out that I seem to have a number of automatons working for me that don’t like the word ‘clank’.  It would seem that’s considered an offensive slur to these glorified walking toasters.  So as of now I want everyone to know that I’m going to say clank whenever the hell I want and they can man up and take it!  Clank clank, clankety clankety clank!

“Now, that clank we found on the moon base has been reactivated and it is providing us with detailed information about what it saw there, which turns out wasn’t much.  Apparently when it wound down it suffered some kind of ‘winding down hallucination’ where it thinks it was attacked by ravens and other birds before falling through some kind of magic portal in the Fells.  The therapist we kidnapped assures me that it makes some kind of sense, my mechanics say that’s ridiculous.  I’m on the fence on this one as I’ve had reports that say clanks dream about electric goats or something.

“On our next order of business it seems that there are many other surrounding areas of New Babbage that are just as impenetrable for outsiders as the Romanchuria experiment.  After hearing word that everyone gets off the train at Bump we sent in our remaining spies to infiltrate that grand hub city.  Turns out that it doesn’t matter how many outsiders get off the train at Bump, they’re on them like maggots on a dead possum.  The only message I got from them was some rambling note about the rest of the team being taken away by a giant troll girl and cannibals.

“Regrettably this brings us to the last order of business; the Minion retention rate has dropped dramatically since we lost the clank-man who could change his face.  In fact the rumors you tell at the cafe suggest that the only reason that our endeavors were ever a success were because he flat out ignored my direct orders and did things his way.  One employee flat out accused me of being an unstable, underinformed moron who couldn’t tell a strategical keypoint city from a ragtag fishing village made by a mangy pack of traveling cutthroats.

“Which brings us back to our favorite Valentines tradition of ‘Dinner and an Execution’ which has been happily provided by my former assistant.  Gather around at 6 on Valentines Day as we see how long it takes Nubulian acid snails to really-” He paused again, and then returned with a subdued and serious tone.  “Okay, nobody worry but the acid snails are loose in the facility.  Turns out their acid ate right through the metal containers.  Not to cause a panic but if we don’t kill those things and take care of the acid this entire facility could be lost underwater, so heres what I want you to do…report to the lunch room and get some salt while the lab boys prepare some salt rifles.  We’ll see how long it will take us to wipe these things out. As for the Execution we’ll just have to light him on fire and drop him into a shark tank again.  In any case back to work everyone!

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