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Not suprisingly, Smashingtons do not excel at construction…

1 Obolenskidonia Place, Obolenskidonia


The elderly man glared at the plans laid across the makeshift table, in the center of the what would, with a bit of time and effort, be his new workshop.   Nearby, an oversized crane arm carefully placed a giant orange into an iron bracket.

A creaking noise from the doorway caught his attention, and he turned to catch sight of a grizzled, bearded sailor, gagged, and  strapped to a rolling gurney, being pushed by a rotund mechanical man.

“Ahhh, Captain Rum, is it?   I do apologize for taking you away from your duties, but I need to have a word.”, the old man reached over and pulled the gag free.

“Oblonsky, you low-down, tar-chewing son of a patagonian fig fiddler!”, bellowed the sailor, “I’ll gut you like my dear sweet sainted m…rphl!”, the old man quickly replaced the gag.

“It’s Obolensky….Doctor Obolensky, do get it right.    I’d have my right-hand cat-man threaten you with a proper maiming, but he’s out of the country.   So, answer my questions, quickly, or I’ll just give you back to the Mer who netted you off your own deck.   Now, tell me what this….”, with a wheeze, the elderly doctor swung a five-gallon can up and onto the sailor’s chest with a thump.  “….is.”.

The captain’s eyes bulged, and he made a strangled noise, but after a few preliminary coughs, managed to reply, once the doctor removed his gag again.

“Curse ye, for the mad loon you are, Oblon…Obolensky!   That there’s one of the cans you ordered, and I delivered just yesterday, a thousand of ’em, from Carpanian Boy.   On time, an’ not a drop spilled!  Now let me free, you gorglemffl!”.

Doctor Obolensky reinserted the gag, and rubbed the bridge of his nose.   “What *I* ordered, Captain, was five thousand gallons of high grade lemming oil.   Do you see “lemming oil” written anywhere on this label?  Or even a picture of a lemming?”, Obolensky turned the can toward the sailor’s head.   “No?   Could it be because this *isn’t* lemming oil?”.   The sailor shrugged.

“What you have delivered to me is a lifetime supply of ‘Twilight Azure Ready-Dipt Insulated Stain, suitable for exterior use on outhouses, phone booths, sheds, and barns.’    Now tell me, Captain Rum….what am I supposed to do with five thousand gallons of blue paint?!”.   Obolensky pulled the gag out once more.

“Errr…”, replied the sailor.  “So, yer not ‘Proctor Oblonsky’, then?”

Doctor Obolensky’s right eye bulged more than usual.   “Smashington, fill his pockets with some of those polished bottle-caps, and throw him into the Deep.”

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  1. Breezy Carver Breezy Carver April 26, 2011

    looks up and shudders ..

    ((Perhaps the Evil Doctor could use a *Good*  personal Shopper  ..  :p))

  2. Tepic Harlequin Tepic Harlequin April 26, 2011

    hmmmmm….. lemming oil…. wonder if that’s sort of like vole grease…. an how long would it take ter make 5,000 gallons…..

    Tepic sees a business oportunity…

  3. Grendel Footman Grendel Footman April 26, 2011

    everyone knows red paint is better, it makes things go faster

  4. Bookworm Hienrichs Bookworm Hienrichs April 26, 2011

    Bookworm tsks.  “In the field of management relations, he’s absolutely shocking.”

  5. Sheryl Skytower Sheryl Skytower April 26, 2011

    hmm……………. lemming oil……………………nom nom nom!

  6. Fono Heninga Fono Heninga April 26, 2011

    *Wonders why Doc O. is wanting to oil so many lemmings*

    • Grendel Footman Grendel Footman April 26, 2011

      because they squeak, that’s why


  7. Victor1st Mornington Victor1st Mornington April 27, 2011

    Lemming Oil…you do realise this will end badly, we all know lemmings explode randomly and jump off cliffs for no reason…

  8. Buckminster Solo Buckminster Solo April 27, 2011

    I was at a mer-folk cheese tasting at the bottom of the Vernian when a sailor strapped to a metal table dropped in and nearly smashed the raw bar. The mer-prince rolled his eyes. “Didn’t I tell you?”he said, “Only a matter of time before they started using each other as bait!”

    • Yang Moreau Yang Moreau May 1, 2011

      Aren’t they all raw down there?

      • Buckminster Solo Buckminster Solo May 2, 2011

        Underwater volcanoes are ideal for preparing blackened salmon. And it never gets dried out!

  9. Marit_Static Marit_Static May 1, 2011

    Sell the blue paint to timelords at an inflated price…them police boxes always need repainting

  10. Cadmus Lupindo Cadmus Lupindo May 1, 2011

    Dear Doctor,

    I have a fine selection of whale oil if you are interested. Top quality merchandise. Feel free to contact me.


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