Journal Entry – Hell in a handbasket

Dearest Tim,

I’ve been busy. So busy and so tired. My husband and I recently had a child, Tim. A child… We talked about having a baby for so long and …

*there are tearstains on the paper, blurring a good portion of the next few sentences*

Helio did warn me this would happen. He warned me that this birth and this child would be different, even dangerous. Do I ever listen? You can just see me shaking my head right now, can’t you? You always did tell me you gave me that nickname because madness was all I knew. It seems, Tim, that I don’t disappoint even now. I’ve been staying in Mondrago with Erehwon (you would love her, dear. She’s the sister I never had. And she works hard, just like you always did.)

*There are a few more blotches in the next paragraphs, tears were the culprit here as well*

…and I understand that it’s my undoing.

Everything here has gone crazy… My husband has left with my child, to hell only knows where, to train it so that it won’t be a danger to those around it. I was staying in the house in Mondrago, claiming I needed more rest, when really I was avoiding going back to Babbage. Back to the place where my head constantly hurts, and I’m reminded every day of Metier and his ridiculous feud… And the deaths it caused. It’s cold in Babbage, and not simply because of the ice and snow.

I recieved a telegram a short while ago. The news chilled my blood, at first. That wretched dwarf’s hired goons apparently tore up the asylum. They shot my father and Arnold… And then my blood ran to fire. Fire invaded my thoughts and my soul and all I could think about was how dead they would be should I find them alive. Cortman, the main goon, died in the asylum. Lucky him. He was shot. He will never know how lucky he was to be dead before I arrived back… Otherwise, I would have been bound in irons and locked up. I do like Miss Book, and Jed, but I protect my own. I avenge my own. I avenged you, Tim, and I am not afraid to do what must be done for those that I love…

When Erehwon made me board that airship…I was flaming at the hands… if I had continued the way I was going, I would have been a ball of flame. As it is, I damn near blew that airship up before it even took off. It took them hours to put out the flames I caused. We had to wait another day to take off. It was my own fault,and I admit that freely. Erehwon stayed with me until the coast was clear and the ship was repaired. I have had to continually remember to breathe and keep calm to make it to my father and my best friend. Repetition not being my strong suit, I have had to learn fairly quickly. Thankfully, the rest of the trip I was either asleep or brooding out of the ariship window. When I got to Babbage, that was another story.

I asked around until I found out where Arnold was… Bookworm had him in her house. I was thankful Erehwon taught me the small meditation because I was using it the whole time I walked to her home. My palms were itching as if they wanted to burst into flame and just burn the whole place down. But my rational mind and all of Father’s teachings came flooding back to me as I stood at the door and rang the bell. When she opened the door, I was almost frozen through. In my rush to get to Arnold and my father, I had forgotten to pack warm clothes. My breath was frosting as I stepped into her foyer and I saw him… Oh Tim… he looked so still…

He was resting but with his eyes open. I wanted to cry but even more than that, my blood was silently exploding to life. With fire. My blood was molten fire. I wanted revenge, but I had to keep my cool. This was the home of a militia member. It would kill my father if I were to be locked away, even for the best of reasons. While Tepic, Book and I were talking that goddamn bird was mentioned. Metier’s damnable raven. I suppose it was my fault for assuming that since my husband ate his dreams (and assumably his soul) that the bird had fled, disappeared or died, but now, of all times, that damned bird is alive and plotting. I made it my mission there and then to kill the thing myself. Book seemed to agree without agreeing that killing it would be fine… Fine for me, but that bird will learn when I find it.

After that tiring and stressing time, I made my way to the asylum to see Father. Tim, I can’t tell you how my heart broke to see him that way. Eye bruised, bandages on his chest and shoulder… He’s an old man! It will take him so long to heal and he seems patient enough to wait. I simply wish that I had my medical doctorate instead of my psychiatric doctorate. I want to heal him, to make him well again… I am so scared that there is more injury than he lets on and that he dies from this. Though if he does die from this… I am afraid that my husband will not have me around and out of chains when he returns. I know there are people who count on me, but I have lost enough family and loved ones, I REFUSE to lose the only man who ever made me proud to call him my father. Especially because of someone else’s foolish pride.

Miss Book and I have a plan now. And something else good that came from this whole thing, I got to help out an urchin girl. Lisa’s very sweet and I am happy that she’s been watching Father until I arrived. I fed her fish for all of her hard work. I’m so tired right now that my head is bobbing… I am afraid that I have to go now. I have to get to sleep and there are long days ahead of me.

How will everyone I love come back to me? In one piece? Right now, as I drift off to what will more than likely be fitful sleep, I can only hope that the family I have made for myself since arriving here will not fall apart. Goodnight for now. Remember, I will always love you.

~Always,
Your Mad-ness.