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A Christmas Message

Deep within a frozen fortress, a familiar voice began to speak to those that currently resided within it’s walls, “Festive greetings to all minions, associates, and visiting villains. First off, I want to congratulate you all on surviving another year to Christmas, and yes, you will be receiving your bonus provided that you met your individual villainy quota’s.”  

“We’ll get back to that in a minute, first I have some sad news for anyone that had friends serving on board the Dauntilus. The ship has still not reported in about successfully destroying the food shipments that were meant for Mornington. In fact, on the last attempted aether communication all we got was static with some bells ringing in the background. We’re not sure where the Dauntilus is, but we’re pretty sure that everyone on board was lost.”

“Personally,” the voice began to raise slightly in anger as it continued. “I’d like to believe that the traitor Theodore was behind this, so I’m going to double the bounty on Theodore’s head to 500 pounds paid in any currency of your choice.  Now I know some of you are thinking that the man’s the size of a Behemoth, but we all know the story about how some shepard took out a giant with a slingshot, and you all have guns.” Phillip roared angrily. “Guns damn it! Stop cowering and find this soft-head and give him one quick pop between his eyes. You’ll be sipping champagne and eating turkey before you know it!”

The voice paused and then turned a little somber again, “Our plans for the Romanchuria-New Babbage experiment have therefore hit a bit of a downside, but hopefully the tapeworm eggs were successfully introduced into the urchin diet. We still have plenty of winter to see this experiment through, and its not like we don’t have bigger things in the works. Remember, we’re shooting for the moon people!”

“Now, back to your villainous quotas again, there were quite a few of you that did not up your game this year, and a few of you who were over achievers. For those of you who have been working here long enough you’ll know that no one likes either of those clog-hoppers. The under achievers make us look weak and the over achievers make everyone else look bad.”

“Still none of you are as high on my naughty list this year as the metal man I hired to take care of the Romanchuria-New Babbage experiment.” The voice lowered disapprovingly. “He managed to do his job admirably to an extent, but he did so by failing to deliver proper warning to the inhabitants of the city, so barely anyone realized that I was to blame because no one was standing up and laughing maniacally after the explosions!  Where was the love for the art damn it!”

There was a loud crash, causing some back-feed, and then the voice continued, “To make matters worse he also destroyed a bar, and as you may be aware I gave my word that we would leave the bars alone.  Let me make this clear to everyone that when Phillip Johnson gives his word that he won’t blow up something he means to stick to that word!”

“To add an onion to the souffle of disappointment and spite, I’ve also heard that he subjugated my direct orders by threatening your lives and families to make him do as he ordered.  Seems some other villain was using MY people and MY resources to further their own agenda’s in that city.”  There was another loud crash and back-feed as if the speaker was standing up.  “As soon as I figure out who this ‘General’ is, we’re going to hit him hard!  We’re going to stuff a proverbial onion so far down his throat that he’ll choke on the irony alone!

Coughing once, he apparently sat back down, “That being said, I want to go on record that the metal man should no longer be considered a role model among the staff and are removing his picture from associate of the month.  If we could kill him again, we would.  But since we only have his body it’s going to go out in style.  Join us at noon as we burn his remains and throw it into a compactor.  We couldn’t get turkey shipped in to enjoy this time around, but we’ve got something even better.  Come and join us for a viking funeral while you enjoy dining on expertly prepared dolphin meat with a side of reindeer and smoked lamb with egg nog and Ravilian wines at the ready.”

“That’s it from me.  Merry Christmas, and have a villainous New Year people!”

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One Comment

  1. Morgan Douglas Morgan Douglas December 25, 2013

    Dang! This fella seems a touch touched.

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